Uploads from by the edges photography (blah blah blah)

forgive me Francesca.

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 16:40:36 -0800

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

www.pbs.org/independentlens/woodmans/film.html

i felt very much in her head when they shared some of her journal notes, no not being suicidal, just by the way she felt things about her life so intensely....i heard my own voice, and her photography is just so inspiring.....of course i havent/will never touch on her brilliance, and have only frustrated myself.

oh well. :)

one way to do it to yourself

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 11:29:09 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

View On Black

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 13:13:27 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

confront or avoid? what is your life strategy when it comes to dealing with feelings of betrayal?

im a confronting avoider. :) yeah i said it.
I pick the most ridiculous situations to confront over. spend chunks of years avoiding the important stuff. but then again, i spend time avoiding stuff thats not important when i should at least be, what the fucks up with that, you know?

im a confronter with my family, mostly because we grew up so secretive, everything that went on in my house was a big secret, quite often these days as an adult, i accidentally shut down conversations with my siblings by stating the obvious....my siblings are both avoiders, and refuse to acknowledge anything that happened while we were growing up.

the thing is, i never let go. thats the bad part. confront or avoid, i hang onto that hurt, it takes me a really long time, no matter what i do, have it out with the person or not, it just hangs over me like a cloud for a long long time, if i avoid it can feel worse.

because then im stuck with my own thoughts about why so and so did this or that. or if i just have a persecution complex and think everyone is out to get me....not like paranoia but more like god im so flawed OBVIOUSLY thats why no one likes me or does/says bad things to me.

i hate and sort of admire people who can be all, yeah whatever, let that shit go, who cares about that, move on.
i admire it because im not like that. i hate it because it suggests whatever that person is going through isnt worth suffering over, like yeah yeah, move on would you?

opinions.....?

are you a victim?

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 11:40:26 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

i was reading something last night that supposed at the heart of any situation or person we found ourselves angry with for causing us hurt or pain or emotional damage, is in fact, our own culpability in that situation.

no, im not talking about child abuse, or being robbed, or raped or something that was forced upon the person, im talking about voluntary adult interactions, people that we invite into our lives or are already in fact in existence in our lives, friends, family, lovers, ect.

it supposed that the thing that causes us the most hurt or anger in that situation is the way WE ourselves invite that situation to happen, in what ways are we in fact responsible for our own pain inflicted, a certain weakness or defect in our own character that allows, invites, permits a situation with another person to use, hurt, or damage our psyche's and emotions.

(im just talking here in this part on my flickr, im not looking for critique on how it changed, thanks, i can criticize myself just fine. lol)

About three years ago, i started a personal journey through my photos here, one in which i wanted to get to the bottom of my own body image/distortions by photographing myself and talking about how i felt about my struggles to accept my body/myself/skin/weight/ect.

What i couldnt guess at was the many number of ways i would allow my journey to go off course, in the end, my flickr becoming something so totally different than what it was conceived as.

But whom to blame? well, myself. i allowed it to happen. i wanted people to be interested in my photos, i enjoyed the passing sexual interest of "fans" letting myself trail off here and there into other more unseemly areas of what i wanted out of my flickr. instead of going where i had wanted to go, recovery and health, i allowed myself to go other places, so i could avoid doing any real work on what i set out to do. ah. self sabotage. delicious!

because at the bottom of everything i did, have ever done in my life, is my need for certain behaviors. some would call them self destructive, i guess thats so.
when i felt lonely or sad or depressed about how things were going in general, i would seek out people or respond to people or things that could only hurt me, because deep down, thats what i feel/felt? i deserve/d?

deserve. yes. i feel i deserve to be treated badly. i still feel that way.

because because because as Fiona would say......

but anyway......what do you think and would like to hear expounded ideas on this or any theories into mutual fuckedupness in anyones life. :)

something go away

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 10:40:51 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

ever so quietly, when we werent looking.

E.E. Cummings

the stars are not wanted now

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 12:37:07 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

"The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good."

extract from W.H . Auden poem .....

the truth of everything

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 12:18:51 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

Everything’s so blurry

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 12:02:47 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

And everyone’s so fake

And everybody’s empty

And everything is so messed up.

Puddle of Mudd/Blurry

Smore's with a flash

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 09:41:30 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

so now i can use a flash. wow.

IMG_7438

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 09:33:32 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

leftover road trip spam

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 17:48:58 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

memphis, TN. i climbed on a big rock to take this selfie and was out of breath when the timer went off still. :)
you can tell i used my 50mm, impossible to get the focus right on myself.

View On Black

when i was something less solid

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 10:27:22 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

View On Black

weight lifted off

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 14:30:22 -0700

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

its a side of me i dont show often. bask in my weird deformed back/birthmark.

i thought of a good title

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 10:14:00 -0800

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

but i decided to stop doing that to myself.

(had some stuff i never uploaded, some new some old. 35mm )

hands

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 08:44:00 -0800

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

View On Black

secret

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 12:04:14 -0800

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

IMG_4869

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 16:42:05 -0800

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

rejection isnt so bad, really

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 15:27:10 -0800

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

film nikon F4

arrhythmia

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 15:10:37 -0800

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo:

slooooabibo

nobody@flickr.com (by the edges photography (blah blah blah)) — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 11:25:14 -0800

by the edges photography (blah blah blah) posted a photo: